What are the components of a genuine apology? A genuine apology comes from a healthy expression of guilt.  We admit that in some particular way, we stepped outside our value system.  The apology is a statement of taking ownership and responsibility for how we crossed a line and acknowledge our impact on others. Genuine apologies are not about trying to manipulate or please another person.

Ideally, an apology has these components:

1. What you did.
2. The impact on the injured person.
3. The steps you’re taking avoid repeating the behavior.

Here are some typical examples of ineffective apologies:

• “I’m sorry I made you feel…” [You can’t make someone have a feeling.]
• “I’m sorry if…” [The conditional “if” is not taking responsibility for what you actually did.]
• “I’m sorry you…” [Instead of owning responsibility, it’s placed on the second person.]

Here are some examples of how we can transform ineffective apologies into effective ones:

Ineffective: “I’m sorry you hurt your foot while we were dancing.”

Effective:

1. I’m sorry I stepped on your foot while dancing.
2. I’m sorry I caused you pain.
3. I’m going to take off my shoes and dance with you on the grass so I’m less likely to hurt you by accident.

Ineffective: “I’m sorry if you took what I said that way. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Effective:

1. I’m sorry I yelled.
2. It makes sense that my tone offended you.
3. I’m going to practice taking time to calm down when I’m angry, so that I’m less likely to approach you that way.

Ineffective: “I’m sorry you felt offended when I pointed out you were lying.”

Effective:

1. I’m sorry I called you a liar.
2. My name-calling was hurtful and wrong.
3. I’m going to talk to my therapist about my feelings of mistrust so I can approach you with respect.

One of my goals is to help clients strengthen their integrity. If honesty is key to their sense of integrity, then I want to help clients be sincere in their apologies. When we face a situation in which we feel we haven’t done anything wrong, I think it’s best to hold off on making any apologies. Apologies usually feel the best on the giving and receiving ends when they are heartfelt and genuine. That means take time until you feel sorry.

If someone is pressuring us for an apology and we don’t feel sorry for our behavior, it’s okay to say “No. I’m not ready or willing to apologize in this moment.”  We can ask for time to reflect and think about our part (if any) in the conflict. Just because somebody is upset, doesn’t mean that we did something wrong. We can ask ourselves, “did I do anything that contributed to the conflict?”  If we did, then maybe we can prepare an honest and thoughtful apology that addresses our behaviors, the impact, and our commitment to take certain preventative steps going forward.