Author Archives: Seth Chapman, MA, LMFT, CSAT

Are secrets a form of infidelity?

Imagine, coming home from work, finding your partner with your laptop open, yelling, upset. You’ve been caught. Your worst fear has come true and now you panic at the unknown consequences for you and your partner. The discovery of secret online sexual behaviors is typically a  traumatic event – often for both partners. The partner who kept secrets often fails to understand the depth of the injury and pain he or she caused. They may argue, “I never cheated because I never had sex outside our relationship!” Usually, this form of minimization stems from a narrow and distorted concept of infidelity.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity is not just about physical sex. Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, defines “infidelity as the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” This means that infidelity is about not being true to one another. Infidelity is about being false. This means that there are many forms of infidelity that have nothing to do with sex. For example, infidelity may include lying about how you spend your free time, hiding your spending habits, or having secret emotional affairs. Infidelity can include dishonesty about major events, but subtle forms of deception can have equally destructive impact on trust. Even seemingly trivial lies or secrets can injure your partner by messing with their reality. If you say you took out the trash (but didn’t), then you wound your partner’s trust.

On the other hand, fidelity means being faithful or truthful. When you are able to be truthful with your partner, there is always an inherent risk of rejection. For example, if you enjoy looking at pornography and tell your partner that you want to continue viewing it, there’s the possibility your partner may get upset. At that point, there would hopefully be room for discussion about the relationship boundaries to see if an agreement can be reached. If you cannot reach an agreement together, there is the chance that you are not a good fit for each other. Your partner may reject you – or vice versa. Yet that is the entry price of intimacy. Authentic intimacy requires letting go of the need to control your partner. By being truthful, you give your partner the necessary information for informed consent.

What are some of the benefits of having someone truly “know” you, of having a relationship that is full of authenticity and deeper intimacy with a partner? Could there be potential for healing? Truly feeling loved and being able to give love? If that process sounds scary, then you may benefit from psychotherapy, so that you can practice being truthful and vulnerable in a safe, confidential environment. As you develop more self-awareness and self-acceptance, you may find greater ability to let others get closer to you, possibly accept you, and love you – the real you.

How to apologize effectively

What are the components of a genuine apology? A genuine apology comes from a healthy expression of guilt.  We admit that in some particular way, we stepped outside our value system.  The apology is a statement of taking ownership and responsibility for how we crossed a line and acknowledge our impact on others. Genuine apologies are not about trying to manipulate or please another person.

Ideally, an apology has these components:

  1. What you did.
  2. The impact on the injured person.
  3. The steps you’re taking avoid repeating the behavior.

Here are some typical examples of ineffective apologies:

  • “I’m sorry I made you feel…” [You can’t make someone have a feeling.]
  • “I’m sorry if…” [The conditional “if” is not taking responsibility for what you actually did.]
  • “I’m sorry you…” [Instead of owning responsibility, it’s placed on the second person.]

Here are some examples of how we can transform ineffective apologies into effective ones:

Ineffective: “I’m sorry you hurt your foot while we were dancing.”

Effective:

  1. I’m sorry I stepped on your foot while dancing.
  2. I’m sorry I caused you pain.
  3. I’m going to take off my shoes and dance with you on the grass so I’m less likely to hurt you by accident.

Ineffective: “I’m sorry if you took what I said that way. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Effective:

  1. I’m sorry I yelled.
  2. It makes sense that my tone offended you.
  3. I’m going to practice taking time to calm down when I’m angry, so that I’m less likely to approach you that way.

Ineffective: “I’m sorry you felt offended when I pointed out you were lying.”

Effective:

  1. I’m sorry I called you a liar.
  2. My name-calling was hurtful and wrong.
  3. I’m going to talk to my therapist about my feelings of mistrust so I can approach you with respect.

One of my goals is to help clients strengthen their integrity. If honesty is key to their sense of integrity, then I want to help clients be sincere in their apologies. When we face a situation in which we feel we haven’t done anything wrong, I think it’s best to hold off on making any apologies. Apologies usually feel the best on the giving and receiving ends when they are heartfelt and genuine. That means take time until you feel sorry.

If someone is pressuring us for an apology and we don’t feel sorry for our behavior, it’s okay to say “No. I’m not ready or willing to apologize in this moment.”  We can ask for time to reflect and think about our part (if any) in the conflict. Just because somebody is upset, doesn’t mean that we did something wrong. We can ask ourselves, “did I do anything that contributed to the conflict?”  If we did, then maybe we can prepare an honest and thoughtful apology that addresses our behaviors, the impact, and our commitment to take certain preventative steps going forward.

Making peace with procrastination

I often hear clients call themselves “lazy” when they struggle to finish a task. But procrastination is typically more about avoidance than laziness. We may be unconsciously avoiding uncomfortable thoughts or feelings.

For example, suppose your partner asks if you followed through on your commitment to file your taxes. You might say, “No, I didn’t. I’m sorry I’m such a lazy do-nothing!” The “I’m lazy” excuse shields us from exploring the underlying dynamics that resulted in not filing the taxes. Perhaps the idea of filing taxes was scary, daunting, and stressful. If we don’t acknowledge and validate those feelings, how can we learn from this experience? And if we don’t learn from the mistake, we’re likely to keep repeating the mistake.

So rather than label ourselves lazy, maybe we can adopt a caring tone and approach the situation with curiosity about what we’re avoiding. If you notice yourself avoiding a certain task, you might find it helpful to journal responses to the following questions:

  1. What task am I avoiding/procrastinating?
  2. What emotions do I have when I think about this task?
  3. What are all the bad things that I’m afraid could happen if I attempt this task?
  4. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
  5. What are all the good things that could come from me attempting this task?
  6. What’s the best case scenario?
  7. On a scale of 0%-100%, how willing am I to do this task now?
  8. If I’m not yet ready, can I be compassionate and gentle with myself and acknowledge my ambivalence instead of criticizing myself as “lazy”?
  9. Can I share my fears and ambivalence with someone I trust? Who would that person be and how can I let them know what I need in terms of support and understanding?
  10. Can I accept my limitations in this moment?

Change is a process. We can only do as much as we are ready and able to do in this moment. We can share our experience with others so that we do not have to have to go through this journey alone. Often, we are only ready to change after we have had an experience of being truly seen, understood, and accepted as we are. When you’re ready, you’ll know it. Until then, take off the “I’m lazy” armor and allow yourself to explore your ambivalence with someone you trust.