Imagine, coming home from work, finding your partner with your laptop open, yelling, upset. You’ve been caught. Your worst fear has come true and now you panic at the unknown consequences for you and your partner. The discovery of secret online sexual behaviors is typically a  traumatic event – often for both partners. The partner who kept secrets often fails to understand the depth of the injury and pain he or she caused. They may argue, “I never cheated because I never had sex outside our relationship!” Usually, this form of minimization stems from a narrow and distorted concept of infidelity.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity is not just about physical sex. Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, defines “infidelity as the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” This means that infidelity is about not being true to one another. Infidelity is about being false. This means that there are many forms of infidelity that have nothing to do with sex. For example, infidelity may include lying about how you spend your free time, hiding your spending habits, or having secret emotional affairs. Infidelity can include dishonesty about major events, but subtle forms of deception can have equally destructive impact on trust. Even seemingly trivial lies or secrets can injure your partner by messing with their reality. If you say you took out the trash (but didn’t), then you wound your partner’s trust.

On the other hand, fidelity means being faithful or truthful. When you are able to be truthful with your partner, there is always an inherent risk of rejection. For example, if you enjoy looking at pornography and tell your partner that you want to continue viewing it, there’s the possibility your partner may get upset. At that point, there would hopefully be room for discussion about the relationship boundaries to see if an agreement can be reached. If you cannot reach an agreement together, there is the chance that you are not a good fit for each other. Your partner may reject you – or vice versa. Yet that is the entry price of intimacy. Authentic intimacy requires letting go of the need to control your partner. By being truthful, you give your partner the necessary information for informed consent.

What are some of the benefits of having someone truly “know” you, of having a relationship that is full of authenticity and deeper intimacy with a partner? Could there be potential for healing? Truly feeling loved and being able to give love? If that process sounds scary, then you may benefit from psychotherapy, so that you can practice being truthful and vulnerable in a safe, confidential environment. As you develop more self-awareness and self-acceptance, you may find greater ability to let others get closer to you, possibly accept you, and love you – the real you.